Thursday, July 16, 2009
i think i am like having insomia for the past few days man. alot of things on my mind. jus that i cant really seem to find an answer and a solution for these thingys.it's kind of frustrating. well, i think there isnt really anyone to point finger at. as much as i would love to do so. and ya, i do know that it has been affecting my performance overall everywhere from work to my social skills. jus feel like snapping at everyone and anyone, it really takes alot of self control not to do so.
well. i somehow manage to narrow down the actual cause of it. i think i am hoping too much for something that i knew would never happen in a million years. something that i feel is unthinkable and unachievable. i actually thought that i was over and done with it lastime. but it just seem that it was jus the beginning. of coz, i would really love for things to turn out the way that i actually dream it to be. but as we all know, reality is never kind on us. so things would never ever go the way that i would wish it too. there are 2 ways, 1 - work towards it. 2- jus ignore. i think i am just going to do the latter. i jus dont want to jeopardise our friendship. probably, i am jus not fated to have a happily ever after ending.
after what that i saw that day, i think it is best that i jus go to 1 corner and not jus be involved. some things if they are meant to be are meant to be. i just dont want to feel worst after tat. well, i could be losing out on a good girl. but it is jus me. it is a sucky feeling to have. but i jus have to suck it up and jus move on with my own life. it was always me against the world. always will be and would be always this way.
i just want to be alone.
craptacular;
10:40 AM
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
been havin wierd wierd dreams recently man. and its kinda of freaky. well, but if it is a sign of things to come in the future. i dun mind having such nice wierd dreams :D
yeah. today my last "free" day of my "holiday" i need to get some sch work done man. otherwise when i go back to sch on thurs i am screeeewed big time. hahaha. actually i think i wld get another karaoke session frm my granny. kinda expectin it alr. LOL. so ya. but i dun wanna prolong my own personal agony. so yups. let's do some work while i wait for my movie to buff :P
ytd went to catch transformers 2 with merv and sugmad again. can u believe it. all of us are like watching it for the 2nd time in a row. madness. hahaha but we still enjoy the movie though. seriously need to do some shopping for some tees man. suddenly very into plain tees. so i guess i am jus going to satisfy my own cravin and jus go binge. speaking of binging. omg. haha i have like of mountains of debts to pay. and i jus realise it. die sia this mth. cfm broke again. :( maybe do have to wrk a little more and get more $$$.
craptacular;
12:19 PM
Saturday, June 27, 2009
u knw, it was actually never meant to be.
i was jus too blinded by love to see
the signs were there for u and me
that you and i were never meant to be
we were like the north and south and opposite seas
if only things were as simple as A B C
i would never have fallen in love with ye
but it was great whilst it lasted with ye.
now i am still waiting for someone, u see.
but then she and i can never be.
so she is just a dream for poor old me.
my friends told me to give up on she,
but my heart tells me to wait for she.
a girl like her is really hard to seek.
i pray that God would be kind to me,
to give me the one that i really need,
and i hope i am the one that she really needs
after all these years, she's someone that understands me.
maybe there is someone else that do know me,
jus that i am too preoccupied to see,
the answer could be jus in front of me.
but i think that chances are slim for me.
as she is already in love with him.
i'm jus not meant to love freely,
perhaps one day i would find my perfect she.
so for now, i am jus contented to be thinking of she,
and pass the miserable days with glee.
craptacular;
2:31 AM
ok. it's day 2 of self quarantine. very boring partly due to the fact that i got nth to do at all. jus to lazy to get myself out of bed and actually go and make plans. so i jus laze in bed and rot the day at home on my laptop.
well, went to meet jianglong jus now at mustafa then we did some shopping. haha after that went for supper cum dinner. that was for my boring day.
these few days spending time with myself, made me kinda discover something. i like being alone. jus being with myself and no one else. it jus feels good. no one to distrub me. no one to irritate me. no one to talk to me. jus me and myself for company. boy, i can grow to like this life man. maybe i was jus meant to be alone. 1 person. i could grow to like this type of life.
anyways i think school would be a real bore after the new term opens. i would have to go back to listen to my grandma's naggin about things not being done according to structure etc etc. it can be a real pain in the ass at times man. thank god, i am suppose to be that patient smiling guy that jus agree with whatever she says in front of her. sometimes, i jus really want the freedom to teach the lessons in ways that i feel most comfortable with and not in ways that are being enforced on me. it jus negates my own personal creativity and takes all the fun out of the lessons. seriously, without her around i feel more at peace and at ease. she jus freaks me out for some reason or other. but despite tat, i have to agree that she really does take care of the people that are under her. speaking of which, i otang her alot of lesson plans alr. but get around to doing it and giving it to her. if it aint for the tons and tons of paperwork from her, my job would have been more enjoyable and more fun. i seriously need my personal space man. i jus feel very uncomfortable with people checkin out my every move and every actions.it is jus a plain intrusion of privacy. something which i value very highly since it is my personal space.
hmmm. recently made a new best fren. i really hope that this friendship would really progress and develope. rather than jus remain stagnant and is soon forgotten. somehow, she has became the reason that i smile and cheer up everyday. but then maybe i shouldnt jus msg her daily or sth. haha it's irritating. but then a msg frm her jus simply brighten up my day. something which no one has mangaged too for some time. not even mandy. well, she could have initially but then after a while it grew stagnant. i shall jus leave it as that. as after all some things are better left unsaid, unspoken.
craptacular;
1:32 AM
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
been a long long long time since i last updated my blog. decide to do it here in this chilling place that i have called my home for the past 3 days. alot of things had happened prior to this trip. well, i would think of it as 2 heartbroken souls jus trying to find their answers but taking a short getaway frm the normal hassle and passle that we would experience in our everyday life.
hmmm. as to what i have been up to recently, got myself a full time job but then still wrking partime at fish n co and teaching tution. haha many ppl have called me crazy. actually i think that i am. well, it started off with me wanting to earn for $$$ for my other half, but it ended up with me seeing the practical side of it. more wrk means more $$$ which also mean that i would have lesser time to spend $$$, so ultimately i can save more. which in the long run seems much better than jus surviving on the pay of my main employer.
yea. as quickly as i could say boo!, i'm like single again. haha i think i am like damn suay with gals even though i do have quite a few frenz. it really sucks when u jus see girl after girl that one is romantically involved with leave u 1 by 1 and after that to only find her 1 true love. sounds like the movie "good luck chuck"? it rly seems like it is jus happening to me. maybe that's y i am jus contented to remain as frens rather than to be romantically involved as much as i may like the person. perhaps like this, shit wouldnt happen. well,since it happens alot of time, i think there should be some sort of problem that needs to be fixed. sigh. but i jus do not know what izzit. i cant really see any fault with myself. maybe i do need a 3rd party to examine me and rly see what's wrong.
seriously, i jus dont really have the mood to date or chase after any girls nowadays eversince mandy came along. she kind of change my view of gals after all that had happened between us. i really think that what happen between us was a mistake and now that it ended maybe some good would come out of it.
also, i realised that a part of me was like dead eversince after _______. i really do not think i can find back that part of me again. sad but ya, i dont think i could ever be the same again. haha also i realised that i am jus babbling over here with no real structure. jus typing whatever that comes to mind. so it is jus rambling and rambling on. sound like some lunny? haha i think so too.
there are like so many things that i would like to type here. but then i am jus afraid of scrutiny. like how siti would put it. PUSSY. yea. i knw. but ya. cant be help. i got a big big fear of rejection.
but 1 thing good did came out of my breakup. i really got closer and i mean much much closer to my sec sch buddies. quite stupid of me to jus take them for granted sometimes. not seeing that they were always there for me when i needed someone. always there for me. i am not as strong as u think. that strong part of me stayed a long time ago with the part of me that died a long time ago. cheem? haha i hope not. i am not as strong as i think i am. i do really pray for more confidence in myself.
i think that's all for now. having writer's block.
craptacular;
10:05 PM
Monday, January 26, 2009
新年快乐!!! Happy 牛 Year!!!
haha. nth much to blog about right now. jus wanna say that it had been a great start to the new year for me.
hopefully my interview this wednesday wld go well. then i would have a full time job alr :D
craptacular;
10:48 PM
Thursday, January 22, 2009
wow. it was really a fulfilling day yesterday when i went back to camp with changpeng. LOL. met up with my OC & CSM, PS & the remants of the Glory Geenas. it was a great getogether man.
to be honest, i really miss my coy. great memories, great ppl, great things. my fondest memories frm my NS time come frm there. well, i spend more a yr & a half there. so it's natural tat most of my fond memories came frm there, frm the people that i have called comarades, who are willing to look after my ass, jus like how i am willing to look after their's. this muz be wat they call camaradiere.
though the visit was short. the catch up was good. wld try to visit again when i have the chance :P
well, went to wrk again today. haha. been like that ever since i ORD. but yea. though i like the current job that i am in. i must acknowledge that i do need to look for a better payin job to supplement my income and my expenditure. it is more practical. and yea, i am very picky abt my job. how much i liked the job and wrking enviroment is far more impt than how much the job is paying me. coz i personally feel that u enjoy ur time at wrk, one muz be doin a job that one really like in order to get this satisfaction.
still job hunting.
craptacular;
2:15 AM
Monday, January 19, 2009
jus feel like strangling myself.
the signs were there and i was jus too blind to see.
enough be said, there is lots to be done on my part.
sometimes i just hate myself. maybe it was never meant to be, like always.
sometimes i jus feel like givin up and jus dont bother abt anything at all.
sometimes i jus cant but have the feeling if things are what they seemed to be.
what if everything was just a facade?
what if the other party was jus tryin not to hurt me?
i really dont know. all i can do is jus to trust, wait & see.
hmmm. as always, the only person that i can really turn too is myself.yea. bert tryin to cheer bert up. it has always been the case and always wld be. yea. i guess i shld jus go back into the little world of my own as i had did in the past. it wld be best it seems. yea. perhaps the conclusion wld always be the same. it ended before it started. as much as i dont want it to be this way. it is jus frm my side. her side also need to complement it. so that the conclusion wld not be forgone. it takes 2 hands to clap. i jus really dont know. maybe i shld jus take my side of the hand and strangle myself.
confuse i am. emoing i am. i jus wanna be left alone. yea. i was the one thinking too much. i was the one havin too much hopes. i was the one that thought otherwise. sigh. it jus dont work out the way i hope it would. nothing does work out for me i guess.
i jus wanna be alone now.
craptacular;
12:04 AM
