ok. it's day 2 of self quarantine. very boring partly due to the fact that i got nth to do at all. jus to lazy to get myself out of bed and actually go and make plans. so i jus laze in bed and rot the day at home on my laptop.

well, went to meet jianglong jus now at mustafa then we did some shopping. haha after that went for supper cum dinner. that was for my boring day.

these few days spending time with myself, made me kinda discover something. i like being alone. jus being with myself and no one else. it jus feels good. no one to distrub me. no one to irritate me. no one to talk to me. jus me and myself for company. boy, i can grow to like this life man. maybe i was jus meant to be alone. 1 person. i could grow to like this type of life.

anyways i think school would be a real bore after the new term opens. i would have to go back to listen to my grandma's naggin about things not being done according to structure etc etc. it can be a real pain in the ass at times man. thank god, i am suppose to be that patient smiling guy that jus agree with whatever she says in front of her. sometimes, i jus really want the freedom to teach the lessons in ways that i feel most comfortable with and not in ways that are being enforced on me. it jus negates my own personal creativity and takes all the fun out of the lessons. seriously, without her around i feel more at peace and at ease. she jus freaks me out for some reason or other. but despite tat, i have to agree that she really does take care of the people that are under her. speaking of which, i otang her alot of lesson plans alr. but get around to doing it and giving it to her. if it aint for the tons and tons of paperwork from her, my job would have been more enjoyable and more fun. i seriously need my personal space man. i jus feel very uncomfortable with people checkin out my every move and every actions.it is jus a plain intrusion of privacy. something which i value very highly since it is my personal space.

hmmm. recently made a new best fren. i really hope that this friendship would really progress and develope. rather than jus remain stagnant and is soon forgotten. somehow, she has became the reason that i smile and cheer up everyday. but then maybe i shouldnt jus msg her daily or sth. haha it's irritating. but then a msg frm her jus simply brighten up my day. something which no one has mangaged too for some time. not even mandy. well, she could have initially but then after a while it grew stagnant. i shall jus leave it as that. as after all some things are better left unsaid, unspoken.

been a long long long time since i last updated my blog. decide to do it here in this chilling place that i have called my home for the past 3 days. alot of things had happened prior to this trip. well, i would think of it as 2 heartbroken souls jus trying to find their answers but taking a short getaway frm the normal hassle and passle that we would experience in our everyday life.

hmmm. as to what i have been up to recently, got myself a full time job but then still wrking partime at fish n co and teaching tution. haha many ppl have called me crazy. actually i think that i am. well, it started off with me wanting to earn for $$$ for my other half, but it ended up with me seeing the practical side of it. more wrk means more $$$ which also mean that i would have lesser time to spend $$$, so ultimately i can save more. which in the long run seems much better than jus surviving on the pay of my main employer.

yea. as quickly as i could say boo!, i'm like single again. haha i think i am like damn suay with gals even though i do have quite a few frenz. it really sucks when u jus see girl after girl that one is romantically involved with leave u 1 by 1 and after that to only find her 1 true love. sounds like the movie "good luck chuck"? it rly seems like it is jus happening to me. maybe that's y i am jus contented to remain as frens rather than to be romantically involved as much as i may like the person. perhaps like this, shit wouldnt happen. well,since it happens alot of time, i think there should be some sort of problem that needs to be fixed. sigh. but i jus do not know what izzit. i cant really see any fault with myself. maybe i do need a 3rd party to examine me and rly see what's wrong.

seriously, i jus dont really have the mood to date or chase after any girls nowadays eversince mandy came along. she kind of change my view of gals after all that had happened between us. i really think that what happen between us was a mistake and now that it ended maybe some good would come out of it.

also, i realised that a part of me was like dead eversince after _______. i really do not think i can find back that part of me again. sad but ya, i dont think i could ever be the same again. haha also i realised that i am jus babbling over here with no real structure. jus typing whatever that comes to mind. so it is jus rambling and rambling on. sound like some lunny? haha i think so too.

there are like so many things that i would like to type here. but then i am jus afraid of scrutiny. like how siti would put it. PUSSY. yea. i knw. but ya. cant be help. i got a big big fear of rejection.

but 1 thing good did came out of my breakup. i really got closer and i mean much much closer to my sec sch buddies. quite stupid of me to jus take them for granted sometimes. not seeing that they were always there for me when i needed someone. always there for me. i am not as strong as u think. that strong part of me stayed a long time ago with the part of me that died a long time ago. cheem? haha i hope not. i am not as strong as i think i am. i do really pray for more confidence in myself.

i think that's all for now. having writer's block.

新年快乐!!! Happy 牛 Year!!!

haha. nth much to blog about right now. jus wanna say that it had been a great start to the new year for me.

hopefully my interview this wednesday wld go well. then i would have a full time job alr :D

wow. it was really a fulfilling day yesterday when i went back to camp with changpeng. LOL. met up with my OC & CSM, PS & the remants of the Glory Geenas. it was a great getogether man.



to be honest, i really miss my coy. great memories, great ppl, great things. my fondest memories frm my NS time come frm there. well, i spend more a yr & a half there. so it's natural tat most of my fond memories came frm there, frm the people that i have called comarades, who are willing to look after my ass, jus like how i am willing to look after their's. this muz be wat they call camaradiere.



though the visit was short. the catch up was good. wld try to visit again when i have the chance :P



well, went to wrk again today. haha. been like that ever since i ORD. but yea. though i like the current job that i am in. i must acknowledge that i do need to look for a better payin job to supplement my income and my expenditure. it is more practical. and yea, i am very picky abt my job. how much i liked the job and wrking enviroment is far more impt than how much the job is paying me. coz i personally feel that u enjoy ur time at wrk, one muz be doin a job that one really like in order to get this satisfaction.



still job hunting.

jus feel like strangling myself.



the signs were there and i was jus too blind to see.

enough be said, there is lots to be done on my part.



sometimes i just hate myself. maybe it was never meant to be, like always.

sometimes i jus feel like givin up and jus dont bother abt anything at all.

sometimes i jus cant but have the feeling if things are what they seemed to be.

what if everything was just a facade?

what if the other party was jus tryin not to hurt me?

i really dont know. all i can do is jus to trust, wait & see.



hmmm. as always, the only person that i can really turn too is myself.yea. bert tryin to cheer bert up. it has always been the case and always wld be. yea. i guess i shld jus go back into the little world of my own as i had did in the past. it wld be best it seems. yea. perhaps the conclusion wld always be the same. it ended before it started. as much as i dont want it to be this way. it is jus frm my side. her side also need to complement it. so that the conclusion wld not be forgone. it takes 2 hands to clap. i jus really dont know. maybe i shld jus take my side of the hand and strangle myself.



confuse i am. emoing i am. i jus wanna be left alone. yea. i was the one thinking too much. i was the one havin too much hopes. i was the one that thought otherwise. sigh. it jus dont work out the way i hope it would. nothing does work out for me i guess.



i jus wanna be alone now.

well, maybe this isnt the time to be emoing since it is like so close to cny. but somethings jus set me thinking.

3years have past and i can safely say that i have indeed gotten over her. it wasnt easy. but well, i did it. not by myself but coz of this person that i have gotten to knw recently. knwing and interacting with her jus made me view things differently from how i wld have viewed them in the past. and even though i have jus knwn her for a short while. i jus feel that i knw her for a long time.......and i muz really admit.......i think i have fallen for her.

but as much as i have feelings for her. i wld say at the moment it is kinda one sided. i understand that she needs time to short things out with herself jus like i did. and i am willing to wait. coz i believe that she is worth the wait. but i hope that it wld not take too long. coz like as fire needs fuel to burn. i believe so do love and relationship. and it takes 2 hands to clap..... i knw that i may sound super negative here. but i am afraid. afraid that the fire wld jus die out and nothing wld come out of it. i really do not want it to happen. i want this fire to be an eternal flame. always burning brightly even in the darkest of nights. and i am willing to do anything to keep it burning but of coz not at her expense.

maybe it's coz i have seen her in a week and i am really missing her badly. that y i am talking abt this at this unearthly hour. i jus feel vunerable and kinda scared. like how a kid wld feel in the dark. having fears. fear of things not wrking out. fear of things jus endin before it started. as optismistic as i may be. some of these fears may jus have an effect on me.

haha. actually now i dun knw wat i am talking also. but yea. it was great hearing her voice jus now. even though it was jus for a short while. it made me smile despite the fact that we didnt talk much.

i want you & i need you. and i'll wait for u till the ocean run dry & the sun burns out. i'll wait. coz i do not wanna lose a gal like u. a hard to find treasure. a gem.

OMG! it has been like wat 4 mths before i even updated my blog. LOL.

well, jus wanna wish whoever that is readin this blog, if there is ever one that reads it.
Happy 2009!!!

alot of things have happen since i last blogged. i've found a partime job that doesnt pay that much by the hr, but it is a job that i love. i've found someone that gradually makes me forget abt the other her. i've ORD frm the army. i've survived NS. but the list jus goes on and on and on abt these significant things that have happened.

many of my platoon mates have shared with one another about our NS experience. and most of the output that comes frm them are rather negative. sayin this abt army, that abt army. nth good i must say. but for myself, personally i thought that my NS experience was rather memorable. well, one cld be sayin that i am self consoling myself due to the fact that i did not make it to command school, while everyone ard me even my close frenz expected me to make it there. i would say that it could be a blessing in disguise that i did not make it there. otherwise i would be have met a great bunch of peeps like my platoon mates and the guys in my company. it really open my eyes frm the rather sheltered life that i have led thus far.

yea. i could also be in a way consolin myself. coz i admit that i was rather disappointed that i did not make it into command sch despite doin quite well durin my BMT. onli bad point. i failed my ippt. which more or less condemn me to serve as a Man in some unit. i came into 41 feelin very demoralise coz of my posting. and i admit that i wanted out frm the place the very day that i stepped in. but as time slowly goes by. outfield after outfield. shit after shit. i finally came to like the place that i have called home for nearly 2 years. i was really sad to actually leave the place. i remembered i look back in sadness as i walked through the gates for the last time. all the fond memories that i've gotten from there.......

it jus seemed like yesterday that i have stepped into the place. the friends that i have made there. the troubles that i have caused there. the things that i have left there. i could still remember them. as much as i would say i wouldnt say it. i miss my camp. not coz of the management but rather coz of the ppl that have made my stay there such a memorable one. i have my own reservations about the management of my unit but some things are better left unsaid, unspoken. i know, u know can alr. :))

1 more positive thing that happen to me in NS was that i made a great buddy there. though i must admit that at times he may not seem the best of buddy. but he's the best that i could ever have. well, i do have certain reservations about certain issues with him but sometimes i jus choose to hold my peace. coz talking too much as i have learnt could jus land u into hot soup. but 1 thing that i feel very strongly for him is his choice of girls and fricklemindedness over them. well, despite voicing out to him several times, could see that he still choose to walk the path that he has walked all along. and as much as what he tells me, i still got eyes to see, ears to hear. that at times what he told me was not the whole truth but rather he was jus telling me what i wanna hear. which well, could be rather infuriating at times.

i personally feel that one shld be honest and true to oneself and to one's interest or even to frenz. and not just keep running away from the truth or avoiding it or jus smoking your way thru. if you really like her, jus go for her. even though she may not be the best choice of gf to others coz of her characteristics and behaviour. also. givin in to her all the time financially and morally is not going to get u anywhere too. u would just end up penniless and in debt. well, maybe that's where true love does surface.

as much as i do not like her as a person. if it's ur choice, my blessings go with u. jus know that everybody have a choice. and once u make it there is no turning back. u just have to lived with it. and from what i can see, i guess u have made your choice to stick with her. so u jus have to live with it. as curious as i am about the 2 of u. i am also kinda sick of it. it's always the same story. "i am not with her" but actions seems like "i am still with her" kinda of story. it does make me wanna whack u at times. but i've gotten over that phase.

i acknowledge that we may not spend as much time together as we would have in the past, but well, i do try to make time for u. it jus that u spend most of ur days sleeping or with her. i do try not to become 1 of ur type of frenz that jus disappear over time. but output from my side shld be match with output from your side. aft all it takes 2 hands to clap. yea. if i keep going and on. i could really talk about a hell lot of things about u.

anyways, recently something good happen to me too. found someone that suits my category of an ideal gf. well, relationship is still in the making but i hope things would turn out the way that we want it to be. i know she wants to go into a relationship. but i do need some time on my part to clear my head over certain stuffs and she's quite understanding about tat. :)) it really touches me to see it so. that's all i can say for these.

i feel that my friendship with my secondary school buddies have evolved to a new level. can say that we are now much closer than we are in the past. now that all of them are in NS and i am out of it. we do treasure our freetime together. no longer it just lan lan lan. right now there are other things inserted inside too. haha. can u actually believe it? we are actually plannin a road trip to australia. but first i need to get my liscense. headache man.

kkz. i think that all for now. if i carry on further i can jus write a novel already.

signing out............