less than a month to A Levels. dun think i am prepared. dun think i ever would be. but let's make good use of the little time that i have left to do something about it. quitting is not my cup of tea and there are sooo many ppl that i want to prove wrong. how nice if i jus had 1 more year. but then, that is what i have been telling myself all these while. deceivin myself and refusing to face the fact that A's are indeed here? i am jus wrapped in my little world, surronded by the things that i choose to call reality. see only the right things, hear only the good things, do only the correct things. would i ever stand up to face the truth?

who would be there to stand with me when i go into battle to fight that horrible nightmare called A Levels? no one but myself. no one can help me. no one can understand the amount of pressure that comes with it, even though each of us may be faced with the same, but it varies from person to person. we all have our goals in life and now we are at a turning point of our life, where there are a few routes before us and we have to make a choice. how many of us would really choose the route that we want to walk? how many of us would actually walked the right route? though all the routes may be right in their own way.

it is a do or die now. our future depends so much on jus 1 exam. it's quite scary if you come to think about it. we are staking our entire future in just 1 exam and the rest that we had in schools are jus a prelude to the real main event. and to be honest, it totally freaks me out, but i don't have anyone solid to lean on?

what are friends for? they are there for you to lean on in times of need and in times of trouble. that is what they say in theory, but in practice, how many of them would actually be there for you? they have their own problems too and adding our problems to them isnt really being very helpful i guess? maybe this is the time where one would see who are those that you can call "true friends" especially when social darwinism starts kicking in, and everyone is desperate for survival. rather ironic.

talking about friends. do we categorise our friends? or do they all come under 1 big catergory. everyone does to a certain extent i guess, even myself. is it the right thing to do one may question? but what is right and what is wrong? as there are so many opinions and all of them may be right in their own way.

so many things running through my mind over the past few days. thought things through. and i guess, i have a rough sense of where i wanna go in the future. university education is definitely not my cup of tea. i have my dreams which i wanna persue but would i sacrifice my dreams for a more practical stand? to be honest, i really do not know how to walk the next part of my life. i really do need guidance. but i always get the same 2 response "follow your heart, goes where it tells you to go" or "go to uni, it's better. aft all singapore is a paper society. without a degree you will die"

so many mistakes i had made in throughout my 19 years. but how many mistakes have i rectify? none i must say. i just let it happened and after that i try to shrug it off as nothing and jus move on, treating it like a lesson in life. could i ever lived with these mistakes? for some events that have occured, i play the blaming game and blamed everyone but myself. maybe i just could not accept reality? or maybe i was jus too caught up with myself to really bother about the feelings of others. some of the things that i may say may have hurt you badly but i jus did not notice. maybe that is why i am quite sensitive at times. i jus do not want to lose people whom i hold dear.

sometimes i wonder was it really worth it? giving so much and gettin so little in return? well, nothing more can be said too. the irony of life. no one would ever understand me. there are jus so many things bugging me now and i realise that i simply cant let go.