Being OIC of Air is really taking its toil on me, I feel that i no longer has the motivation or drive that i used to have when i took over last July. It has been nearly 2years with me at the helm. I feel that an injection of new blood is require but there is none capable from the new intakes to hand over as much as i want to pass down.
Is Air really falling apart from the inside? The new batch generally lacks our commitment and our hunger to make Air the best in NCC. My only regret was that i should have attended the past 2 CLT Courses. The saying that "Whatever instructors we send is what type of CLTs we will produced" is indeed true as the current 2 batches showed glimpes of characteristics of their instructor. Air survived a political struggle, i will do anything in my power to prevent another one. Thus, i have to avoid myself from making the same mistake for the upcoming 50th Course. I stand alone with the backing of the Air CLTs, those that are loyal and i will reform Air if that is the last thing i do. The current batch though has a number of committed CLTs but none of them has the leadership require to lead the CLTs into the new age, they are not able to lead being more like followers than leaders. However, it could also be due to my high expectations for them. I confess that i am an old school CLT who is still stubbornly holding on to the old ways which are by now phasing itself out in NCC. Discipline is no longer the focus, Welfare is. I feel that there should be a CLT school in the new ways to lead them and that Seniors like myself at this stage should have by now taken a backseat.
Another of my worry is Changkat Changi. The CLTs are all that is there to hold the unit together. We are battling a losing battle. What i fear is that after we leave, the unit will crumble due to lack of leadership from the top. If only our male CO is as good as our female CO, i can depart in peace. But given the current situation, no. As much as i want to return to St Gab's, it is not possible. I have a duty to Changkat and i intend to see it out. Giving up is not in my nature even if the odds seem to be against me. But over here, this is the first time that i really feel that it is impossible to carry on. The onli happy fact is that my Part Cs are now leaders, no longer the wilful cadets that i once taught but they are now leaders in their own right. I see glimpes of myself when i was a cadet in some of them.
School is the next of my worries. Though i am promoted to the next level, i do not feel the joy and happiness that comes with it. What i feel rather is sadness, bitterness, happiness and joy is not among the feelings that i am suppose to feel. Looking all around me, i see the heavy causualties that has been inflicted on us. Many retain. People whom i have knwn for 2yrs though i did not talk much to them, classes will be wierd without them and things will never be the same again. Instead i feel more stress as a result of getting promoted. A Levels is looming around the corner. PW and AO Chinese are the highlights of this year. Riccia, whom i just got to talk too despite knowing her for quite some time is leavin MI, for greener pastures. Besides her, many others are leaving too. Things can never be the same again. I do not feel happiness and elation in the atmosphere around me. But rather i feel a gloomy and sad atmosphere which has claim me to be a part of it.
Happiness is what i display to my frenz, bitterness and sadness, stress is what i feel inside and there is no one i can share these feelings with except for Yue Yun. All these bottled up feelings both from school and NCC are really taking its toil on me. She seems to be the only one who understands me the best. Knowing my thoughts and my feelings. Consoling me, being there for me when i am down or when i needed someone. She sees me for the person that i am and not for who i am. Knowing her is indeed my luck and my privilage. My only regret is that i did not make the effort to know her better when we were still younger during our cadet days.
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