actually last week was a rather slack week in camp. did nothing much except to play my psp, eat, slp and do some saikang. that was all i did for the whole week. ok la. low tempo, so i am not complaining. wait till next week, then i would start bitching again coz we are outfield and of all places we are going too, we are going to sungei gedong. seriously, i really hate that place man.

ok. i had friday off so i spend some quality time with alvin and mervin. let me recall wat we did tat day. ha. went to play at the lan shop that wei liang brought us there that day, then after that alvin had to send his cousin home, so i went shopping with mervin in town for both alvin's and huisia's present. after that jus headed home to rest coz i am feeling shagged out.

yeah, anyway i went for huisia's birthday party today held at her house. saw this particular someone there that i am not quite sure if i wanna see. i jus dont know to feel excited or to feel scared or it is jus frm embarrassment. but all i knw is that we dun seem like we are even friends anymore. yeah, i guess i did indeed do her wrong in the past. well, there is no one to blame for except myself. and i am jus like regretting and living with my mistake. and it is only right that i be ignored.....totally.

i jus cant bring myself to face her and say jus a simple hi. i jus feel small ard her. it is like a stare frm her cld jus tear through the fabric of my soul. my heart was in my mouth when i walked down the steps and she was the first thing that i saw. with heart pounding, i was really at a lost for words. i didnt knw wat to say. i didnt knw wat to react. then as i looked at her, she looked away. i can really hear the shattering of my heart. i selfishly admit that it was not the response that i hope to have, but it was the response that was kinda expected. after all, i think i was really a bastard to her towards the end of our friendship. i was jus being too selfish, too immature then.

what i did then resulted in the consequences that i am experiencing today. yeah. it's really karma. what comes ard goes ard. it was only much later that i realise the gravity of my actions. it's too late to regret. i knw that things can never be the same again. i think i lost more than a friend. i totally lost her as a buddy, a friend, a confidante. nowadays i jus feel kinda empty. it jus seems that no one can really take up the place left vacant in my heart.

if there was 1 thing in this world that i would give up everything for. it would be to have her back as a friend again. i dont mind losing friends jus to gain her back. but such words are jus words if no action is being partaken. but i guess it is jus a one way thing. she seem to have a much better life now with much better company. yeah and i think all that i've become is jus a memory or maybe even a forgetten memory in her chapters of her life.

it jus hurt me inside and there is not a time that i do not think abt it though i jus try to shrug it off. i miss the fun times that we had together. and i would be lyin if i dont say that it was the most fun times of my entire life. maybe the reason that i wanna sign on is also because of her. but ya, life have to move on. i wanna try to forget and move on like i guess which she did. i jus wanna forget despite my heart sayin no......but she is jus unforgetable. i should just stop deceiving myself that things would change for the better.

but at least when i saw her today, she looked well. and i guess tat is more than enuf for me. knwing that she is well. this despite the fact that we are not friends anymore. i guess i still do care. it jus kinda depressing, everytime i think abt it. guess no one can really understand hw i really feel.

we didnt stayed long for the party. leaving after a short while.