have i truly erred? i'm regrettin? Yes I am. I wish things would be the same? Yes. I wish. but some things once done are unable to change. i cant rewrite history, neither can i changed what had happened in the past. but what i can do is to make sure that there would be no repeat. once bitten, twice shy. as much as i wish that things would be the same as it was, i must admit that it is impossible. i hate to admit that it is near impossible for things to be jus like how it was in the past, but i must admit that i still hold that super faint glimmer of hope that this impossible would turn possible. i am just deceiving myself. and i seek to wrap myself in this deception and refused to accept the truth for what it is. i believed that i have lost more than what i have gain. it only takes a spark to start a fire, and that incident was the spark. and it started into a bonfire. i guess you would have move on as i guess you would. but ya. i guess, i am still stuck right here, not knowing where to go and what to do. i thought that i did, but apparently i didn't.

well, guess i am jus admitting things which i shld have admitted a long time ago. i am definitely way far away from being the perfect guy that i strive to be. i am guy with many flaws and you turn this flaws into strengths? well, even if you didn't, let's jus give it benefit of doubt.

life is like a game of chess. with many pieces and many moves to get a "Checkmate" and i guess i made a wrong move, which resulted in quite dire consequences. but there are many others ways in which i can turn the tables around. well, avoiding it is definitely not the way, i should just meet this problem head on like i normally would, but when it comes to you, i just don't dare. surprise that i am scared? i am too, myself. it is just so unlike me.

well, i assume too much at times but i can't help it. insecurity? it could be. as i think i am afraid to lose you. as much as i think or others think that i have too high a self esteem, you are weak spot. and boy, you can really bring me crashing down to earth. my achilles heel, indeed you are.

if things could ever be the same again, i would always hope for a restart? well, but we are too far gone down our own paths to really bother about what each other think. yes, love does breeds indifference. i don't hate. but rather i feel indifferent towards all these. i jus hate myself for lacking the courage to stand up and for my total indifference.

i have also really given serious thought regarding my future. 1 question that constantly float through my mind: Is university the route that i wanna go and wanna take? education, though has its advantage, limits creativity as we are taught what to think as it is fixed and incapable of change. it is not flexible. but this is the tried and tested route to success and in a way can be consider as a "shortcut" too much expectations have been put on me by teachers, peers etc. i fear at times that i am unable to live up to these expectations, thus disappointing people along the way. i am scared of failure. who isnt? i hate to fail but i like to win. i would say that it is this competitive streak in me that spur me on to be better than the rest and to be the best that i can be. but that does not mean that i backstab my friends as i put loyalty to friends above myself.

i am just ranting whatever that comes to my mind. so my thoughts are a little jumbled up. with randomness from me. i am confused, lost and i really hope that your shoulders would be the one that is there for me. to lean on and to support me.

i am just a confused boy now with no directions as to where to go. i am just flondering in the darkness. hoping that somehow i would find my way out of this darkness which i do not see myself coming out anytime soon. it's hard being me. i can never be back the boy that i knew i am. times change. people change. i change.

have i found the right person? sometimes i do question. or is it because i see too much of her in you and that is why i am attracted to you like how bees are to honey. if that is the case, are you a sub? i really wonder sometimes. it really hard for either of us not to think about it at times as that black mark would always be there. but i hope to amend it with my actions and my words. well, that empty spot in my heart would always be there, waiting to be filled. and for now, you are the one that filled it up. when, where. how would it be fill up permantly? i really do not know. i am not god, though i wish i am at times as it would mean that i would be perfect in this imperfect world. sometimes, being alone and single is much better than being attached, be it in an open relationship or closed one. doesn't really matter.

i just wished to be the boy that i once was before the world corrupted me.