i think i am like having insomia for the past few days man. alot of things on my mind. jus that i cant really seem to find an answer and a solution for these thingys.it's kind of frustrating. well, i think there isnt really anyone to point finger at. as much as i would love to do so. and ya, i do know that it has been affecting my performance overall everywhere from work to my social skills. jus feel like snapping at everyone and anyone, it really takes alot of self control not to do so.

well. i somehow manage to narrow down the actual cause of it. i think i am hoping too much for something that i knew would never happen in a million years. something that i feel is unthinkable and unachievable. i actually thought that i was over and done with it lastime. but it just seem that it was jus the beginning. of coz, i would really love for things to turn out the way that i actually dream it to be. but as we all know, reality is never kind on us. so things would never ever go the way that i would wish it too. there are 2 ways, 1 - work towards it. 2- jus ignore. i think i am just going to do the latter. i jus dont want to jeopardise our friendship. probably, i am jus not fated to have a happily ever after ending.

after what that i saw that day, i think it is best that i jus go to 1 corner and not jus be involved. some things if they are meant to be are meant to be. i just dont want to feel worst after tat. well, i could be losing out on a good girl. but it is jus me. it is a sucky feeling to have. but i jus have to suck it up and jus move on with my own life. it was always me against the world. always will be and would be always this way.

i just want to be alone.

been havin wierd wierd dreams recently man. and its kinda of freaky. well, but if it is a sign of things to come in the future. i dun mind having such nice wierd dreams :D

yeah. today my last "free" day of my "holiday" i need to get some sch work done man. otherwise when i go back to sch on thurs i am screeeewed big time. hahaha. actually i think i wld get another karaoke session frm my granny. kinda expectin it alr. LOL. so ya. but i dun wanna prolong my own personal agony. so yups. let's do some work while i wait for my movie to buff :P

ytd went to catch transformers 2 with merv and sugmad again. can u believe it. all of us are like watching it for the 2nd time in a row. madness. hahaha but we still enjoy the movie though. seriously need to do some shopping for some tees man. suddenly very into plain tees. so i guess i am jus going to satisfy my own cravin and jus go binge. speaking of binging. omg. haha i have like of mountains of debts to pay. and i jus realise it. die sia this mth. cfm broke again. :( maybe do have to wrk a little more and get more $$$.

u knw, it was actually never meant to be.

i was jus too blinded by love to see

the signs were there for u and me

that you and i were never meant to be

we were like the north and south and opposite seas

if only things were as simple as A B C

i would never have fallen in love with ye

but it was great whilst it lasted with ye.

now i am still waiting for someone, u see.

but then she and i can never be.

so she is just a dream for poor old me.

my friends told me to give up on she,

but my heart tells me to wait for she.

a girl like her is really hard to seek.

i pray that God would be kind to me,

to give me the one that i really need,

and i hope i am the one that she really needs

after all these years, she's someone that understands me.

maybe there is someone else that do know me,

jus that i am too preoccupied to see,

the answer could be jus in front of me.

but i think that chances are slim for me.

as she is already in love with him.

i'm jus not meant to love freely,

perhaps one day i would find my perfect she.

so for now, i am jus contented to be thinking of she,

and pass the miserable days with glee.

ok. it's day 2 of self quarantine. very boring partly due to the fact that i got nth to do at all. jus to lazy to get myself out of bed and actually go and make plans. so i jus laze in bed and rot the day at home on my laptop.

well, went to meet jianglong jus now at mustafa then we did some shopping. haha after that went for supper cum dinner. that was for my boring day.

these few days spending time with myself, made me kinda discover something. i like being alone. jus being with myself and no one else. it jus feels good. no one to distrub me. no one to irritate me. no one to talk to me. jus me and myself for company. boy, i can grow to like this life man. maybe i was jus meant to be alone. 1 person. i could grow to like this type of life.

anyways i think school would be a real bore after the new term opens. i would have to go back to listen to my grandma's naggin about things not being done according to structure etc etc. it can be a real pain in the ass at times man. thank god, i am suppose to be that patient smiling guy that jus agree with whatever she says in front of her. sometimes, i jus really want the freedom to teach the lessons in ways that i feel most comfortable with and not in ways that are being enforced on me. it jus negates my own personal creativity and takes all the fun out of the lessons. seriously, without her around i feel more at peace and at ease. she jus freaks me out for some reason or other. but despite tat, i have to agree that she really does take care of the people that are under her. speaking of which, i otang her alot of lesson plans alr. but get around to doing it and giving it to her. if it aint for the tons and tons of paperwork from her, my job would have been more enjoyable and more fun. i seriously need my personal space man. i jus feel very uncomfortable with people checkin out my every move and every actions.it is jus a plain intrusion of privacy. something which i value very highly since it is my personal space.

hmmm. recently made a new best fren. i really hope that this friendship would really progress and develope. rather than jus remain stagnant and is soon forgotten. somehow, she has became the reason that i smile and cheer up everyday. but then maybe i shouldnt jus msg her daily or sth. haha it's irritating. but then a msg frm her jus simply brighten up my day. something which no one has mangaged too for some time. not even mandy. well, she could have initially but then after a while it grew stagnant. i shall jus leave it as that. as after all some things are better left unsaid, unspoken.

been a long long long time since i last updated my blog. decide to do it here in this chilling place that i have called my home for the past 3 days. alot of things had happened prior to this trip. well, i would think of it as 2 heartbroken souls jus trying to find their answers but taking a short getaway frm the normal hassle and passle that we would experience in our everyday life.

hmmm. as to what i have been up to recently, got myself a full time job but then still wrking partime at fish n co and teaching tution. haha many ppl have called me crazy. actually i think that i am. well, it started off with me wanting to earn for $$$ for my other half, but it ended up with me seeing the practical side of it. more wrk means more $$$ which also mean that i would have lesser time to spend $$$, so ultimately i can save more. which in the long run seems much better than jus surviving on the pay of my main employer.

yea. as quickly as i could say boo!, i'm like single again. haha i think i am like damn suay with gals even though i do have quite a few frenz. it really sucks when u jus see girl after girl that one is romantically involved with leave u 1 by 1 and after that to only find her 1 true love. sounds like the movie "good luck chuck"? it rly seems like it is jus happening to me. maybe that's y i am jus contented to remain as frens rather than to be romantically involved as much as i may like the person. perhaps like this, shit wouldnt happen. well,since it happens alot of time, i think there should be some sort of problem that needs to be fixed. sigh. but i jus do not know what izzit. i cant really see any fault with myself. maybe i do need a 3rd party to examine me and rly see what's wrong.

seriously, i jus dont really have the mood to date or chase after any girls nowadays eversince mandy came along. she kind of change my view of gals after all that had happened between us. i really think that what happen between us was a mistake and now that it ended maybe some good would come out of it.

also, i realised that a part of me was like dead eversince after _______. i really do not think i can find back that part of me again. sad but ya, i dont think i could ever be the same again. haha also i realised that i am jus babbling over here with no real structure. jus typing whatever that comes to mind. so it is jus rambling and rambling on. sound like some lunny? haha i think so too.

there are like so many things that i would like to type here. but then i am jus afraid of scrutiny. like how siti would put it. PUSSY. yea. i knw. but ya. cant be help. i got a big big fear of rejection.

but 1 thing good did came out of my breakup. i really got closer and i mean much much closer to my sec sch buddies. quite stupid of me to jus take them for granted sometimes. not seeing that they were always there for me when i needed someone. always there for me. i am not as strong as u think. that strong part of me stayed a long time ago with the part of me that died a long time ago. cheem? haha i hope not. i am not as strong as i think i am. i do really pray for more confidence in myself.

i think that's all for now. having writer's block.

新年快乐!!! Happy 牛 Year!!!

haha. nth much to blog about right now. jus wanna say that it had been a great start to the new year for me.

hopefully my interview this wednesday wld go well. then i would have a full time job alr :D

wow. it was really a fulfilling day yesterday when i went back to camp with changpeng. LOL. met up with my OC & CSM, PS & the remants of the Glory Geenas. it was a great getogether man.



to be honest, i really miss my coy. great memories, great ppl, great things. my fondest memories frm my NS time come frm there. well, i spend more a yr & a half there. so it's natural tat most of my fond memories came frm there, frm the people that i have called comarades, who are willing to look after my ass, jus like how i am willing to look after their's. this muz be wat they call camaradiere.



though the visit was short. the catch up was good. wld try to visit again when i have the chance :P



well, went to wrk again today. haha. been like that ever since i ORD. but yea. though i like the current job that i am in. i must acknowledge that i do need to look for a better payin job to supplement my income and my expenditure. it is more practical. and yea, i am very picky abt my job. how much i liked the job and wrking enviroment is far more impt than how much the job is paying me. coz i personally feel that u enjoy ur time at wrk, one muz be doin a job that one really like in order to get this satisfaction.



still job hunting.

jus feel like strangling myself.



the signs were there and i was jus too blind to see.

enough be said, there is lots to be done on my part.



sometimes i just hate myself. maybe it was never meant to be, like always.

sometimes i jus feel like givin up and jus dont bother abt anything at all.

sometimes i jus cant but have the feeling if things are what they seemed to be.

what if everything was just a facade?

what if the other party was jus tryin not to hurt me?

i really dont know. all i can do is jus to trust, wait & see.



hmmm. as always, the only person that i can really turn too is myself.yea. bert tryin to cheer bert up. it has always been the case and always wld be. yea. i guess i shld jus go back into the little world of my own as i had did in the past. it wld be best it seems. yea. perhaps the conclusion wld always be the same. it ended before it started. as much as i dont want it to be this way. it is jus frm my side. her side also need to complement it. so that the conclusion wld not be forgone. it takes 2 hands to clap. i jus really dont know. maybe i shld jus take my side of the hand and strangle myself.



confuse i am. emoing i am. i jus wanna be left alone. yea. i was the one thinking too much. i was the one havin too much hopes. i was the one that thought otherwise. sigh. it jus dont work out the way i hope it would. nothing does work out for me i guess.



i jus wanna be alone now.

well, maybe this isnt the time to be emoing since it is like so close to cny. but somethings jus set me thinking.

3years have past and i can safely say that i have indeed gotten over her. it wasnt easy. but well, i did it. not by myself but coz of this person that i have gotten to knw recently. knwing and interacting with her jus made me view things differently from how i wld have viewed them in the past. and even though i have jus knwn her for a short while. i jus feel that i knw her for a long time.......and i muz really admit.......i think i have fallen for her.

but as much as i have feelings for her. i wld say at the moment it is kinda one sided. i understand that she needs time to short things out with herself jus like i did. and i am willing to wait. coz i believe that she is worth the wait. but i hope that it wld not take too long. coz like as fire needs fuel to burn. i believe so do love and relationship. and it takes 2 hands to clap..... i knw that i may sound super negative here. but i am afraid. afraid that the fire wld jus die out and nothing wld come out of it. i really do not want it to happen. i want this fire to be an eternal flame. always burning brightly even in the darkest of nights. and i am willing to do anything to keep it burning but of coz not at her expense.

maybe it's coz i have seen her in a week and i am really missing her badly. that y i am talking abt this at this unearthly hour. i jus feel vunerable and kinda scared. like how a kid wld feel in the dark. having fears. fear of things not wrking out. fear of things jus endin before it started. as optismistic as i may be. some of these fears may jus have an effect on me.

haha. actually now i dun knw wat i am talking also. but yea. it was great hearing her voice jus now. even though it was jus for a short while. it made me smile despite the fact that we didnt talk much.

i want you & i need you. and i'll wait for u till the ocean run dry & the sun burns out. i'll wait. coz i do not wanna lose a gal like u. a hard to find treasure. a gem.

OMG! it has been like wat 4 mths before i even updated my blog. LOL.

well, jus wanna wish whoever that is readin this blog, if there is ever one that reads it.
Happy 2009!!!

alot of things have happen since i last blogged. i've found a partime job that doesnt pay that much by the hr, but it is a job that i love. i've found someone that gradually makes me forget abt the other her. i've ORD frm the army. i've survived NS. but the list jus goes on and on and on abt these significant things that have happened.

many of my platoon mates have shared with one another about our NS experience. and most of the output that comes frm them are rather negative. sayin this abt army, that abt army. nth good i must say. but for myself, personally i thought that my NS experience was rather memorable. well, one cld be sayin that i am self consoling myself due to the fact that i did not make it to command school, while everyone ard me even my close frenz expected me to make it there. i would say that it could be a blessing in disguise that i did not make it there. otherwise i would be have met a great bunch of peeps like my platoon mates and the guys in my company. it really open my eyes frm the rather sheltered life that i have led thus far.

yea. i could also be in a way consolin myself. coz i admit that i was rather disappointed that i did not make it into command sch despite doin quite well durin my BMT. onli bad point. i failed my ippt. which more or less condemn me to serve as a Man in some unit. i came into 41 feelin very demoralise coz of my posting. and i admit that i wanted out frm the place the very day that i stepped in. but as time slowly goes by. outfield after outfield. shit after shit. i finally came to like the place that i have called home for nearly 2 years. i was really sad to actually leave the place. i remembered i look back in sadness as i walked through the gates for the last time. all the fond memories that i've gotten from there.......

it jus seemed like yesterday that i have stepped into the place. the friends that i have made there. the troubles that i have caused there. the things that i have left there. i could still remember them. as much as i would say i wouldnt say it. i miss my camp. not coz of the management but rather coz of the ppl that have made my stay there such a memorable one. i have my own reservations about the management of my unit but some things are better left unsaid, unspoken. i know, u know can alr. :))

1 more positive thing that happen to me in NS was that i made a great buddy there. though i must admit that at times he may not seem the best of buddy. but he's the best that i could ever have. well, i do have certain reservations about certain issues with him but sometimes i jus choose to hold my peace. coz talking too much as i have learnt could jus land u into hot soup. but 1 thing that i feel very strongly for him is his choice of girls and fricklemindedness over them. well, despite voicing out to him several times, could see that he still choose to walk the path that he has walked all along. and as much as what he tells me, i still got eyes to see, ears to hear. that at times what he told me was not the whole truth but rather he was jus telling me what i wanna hear. which well, could be rather infuriating at times.

i personally feel that one shld be honest and true to oneself and to one's interest or even to frenz. and not just keep running away from the truth or avoiding it or jus smoking your way thru. if you really like her, jus go for her. even though she may not be the best choice of gf to others coz of her characteristics and behaviour. also. givin in to her all the time financially and morally is not going to get u anywhere too. u would just end up penniless and in debt. well, maybe that's where true love does surface.

as much as i do not like her as a person. if it's ur choice, my blessings go with u. jus know that everybody have a choice. and once u make it there is no turning back. u just have to lived with it. and from what i can see, i guess u have made your choice to stick with her. so u jus have to live with it. as curious as i am about the 2 of u. i am also kinda sick of it. it's always the same story. "i am not with her" but actions seems like "i am still with her" kinda of story. it does make me wanna whack u at times. but i've gotten over that phase.

i acknowledge that we may not spend as much time together as we would have in the past, but well, i do try to make time for u. it jus that u spend most of ur days sleeping or with her. i do try not to become 1 of ur type of frenz that jus disappear over time. but output from my side shld be match with output from your side. aft all it takes 2 hands to clap. yea. if i keep going and on. i could really talk about a hell lot of things about u.

anyways, recently something good happen to me too. found someone that suits my category of an ideal gf. well, relationship is still in the making but i hope things would turn out the way that we want it to be. i know she wants to go into a relationship. but i do need some time on my part to clear my head over certain stuffs and she's quite understanding about tat. :)) it really touches me to see it so. that's all i can say for these.

i feel that my friendship with my secondary school buddies have evolved to a new level. can say that we are now much closer than we are in the past. now that all of them are in NS and i am out of it. we do treasure our freetime together. no longer it just lan lan lan. right now there are other things inserted inside too. haha. can u actually believe it? we are actually plannin a road trip to australia. but first i need to get my liscense. headache man.

kkz. i think that all for now. if i carry on further i can jus write a novel already.

signing out............

wheeee. ahm is finally here. here we are again. going to do the same old stuffs that we did last year. which is like quite fun la. hah lookin forward to it later in the nite when we chiong thru the nite and have lots of fun. well, last ahm before i ORD. rofl. fun fun fun.

that's all for now. maybe later.

blog jus before i book in. haha.

going to be a super xiong week next week. lots of things coming up. another long long long walk. follow by track breaking and AHM. grrrr. then the next week outfield again. sad lo. haha. nowadays it's not so safe to talk so much on blog. lots of ppl watching. lots of ppl readin :P

BREAK TRACK TMR!!! yay. like finally aft such a long while. ROFL

boohoo! it's a very borin week for me in camp. haha reason? well, am on status (excuse outfield) after a very unfortunate fall that happen to me while i was fireman liftin our dear wee leong. landed with my face rubbin the road. woaah. it is indeed a feelin of a life time man.



haha. at least i am not alone in camp. i still have my dear SC, SGT P and Ting'er to keep me company coz due to unforeseen circumstances they were not able to make it out to the field. so there we are. 3 lonely souls keepin guard over our company. ok la. sounds kinda lame.



national day is this weekend, and it is probably the last time that i cld see kok chong, that is provided that his sentencing on the 12th of Aug gives him probation instead of a jail term. hope that it wld turn out for the latter instead of the former. hmmm. right now, we havnt decided on a place to go yet. so ya. haha here i am sittin down, supposedly tryin to find a place to eat but it is an excuse to use the com. hehex. hmm. 1 more day and the rest of the platoon wld be back. sad to say, too bad the outfield cant be longer :P like that i wld probably have more time to do some self reflection in bunk, on my bed :x tsk. hope PC doesnt shoot too much rounds thru his Co-Ax. coz aft all the ones that is cleanin that arms is us, his men.



looking back the past 2 years of my ns life, army seems to be a little more relax now that we are closer to our ORD date, not taking into considerations the alternate combat runs that we have, the occsational IPPT or SOC tests that seem to pop up frequently and of coz not forgettin the never-ending "faituge work" aka SAIKANG that always seems to get thrown at us. it is everpresent, neverending. a NSF's worst nightmare. it was totally different from how i first started out as a chao recruit at Tekong, before comin over to 41SAR as an AI Trooper. life back then was not as great as how it is now. even though there cld be some form of improvement, for eg, better passing of instructions and lesser waiting time etc.

i guess that's all from me for now.

been nearly a year since my last posting. haha. now i am back with more postings. took a short short break frm blogging.

last week, had my ATEC stage 1 evaluation and i can safely claim that we have done very well for it despite my plt gettin a redcon 3 for battlecourse as my whole platoon perish due to reasons knwn onli to us and the OPPFOR.

next week is a rather slack week as i have mon and tues off jus going back to camp for a day. then i think if i am not wrong, we wld be gg to Ce Feng's death aniversary on thurs. it has been a year since he left us. even though i do not really knw him that well the short short time that i had with him showed me that he is indeed a good fren and a good platoon mate.

that's all for now. wld be back later.

24 more hours to Wallaby

didnt update for a very long time, but it had been a great week for me man, catching up with old frenz especially. thank god, this week was mainly off for me, so i could stay at hm and chill and enjoy time with myself, my friends and my family. flying off on mon, i guess there's nth much i would really miss in singapore except for a few ppl that are worth my misses :))

goin for buffet later with my family. blog more later. it's kinda late too.

last week was quite slack. dun knw go back to camp for wat. haha. but wat to do. there is nth much to do as australia is approaching. as i look at the training schedule in australia. dun really feel like going already.

anyways i think my company's management is f up. totally f up. all my leaves and offs burn. honestly, i rather burn it myself than let them burn for me. so yeah. thank god, i finish all my offs before they could burn for me. it jus distresses all of us.

this week is goin to be yet another relaxing week. looking forward to the long off that i have before i go off to australia. well, going to spend some quality time with my frenz before i chao. namely, merv and gang. coz it's his birthday. so jus keep a day specially for him :)) haha. and of coz not neglectin all the others.....if there's time.

yesterday went to watch planet terror with zheng ting aka ting'er. lol nice movie. super gory though the storyline a lil no link. but totally enjoyed the movie. bookin in later for live firing tomorrow. next book out would be on thurs then book in the nite again before going out for Bn aniversary on fri then bookin out frm there. so ya. long long week. if i rem correctly got SOC test coming up again next week. sianzation.

tomorrow live firing again. so many of them. ZzzZ. no wonder they sing the song "i dun wanna lead an army life" :P hahahahaha. enough of bitching alr. going to pack my book in bag and chill a while b4 bookin in.

Final Outfield before we head off the Wallaby. it was a super super XIONG 3D2N outfield. i think i didnt even sleep more than 8hrs combine man. well, no fresh ration. jus combat ration for those days.

we started off going into tactical mode the moment we reach TVMA. that means, our LBVs, helmet and weapon have to be on us at all times and not to add we have to camou on. it was really very challenging as we had not had such training in a long while. we were also to lagger at our vehicles. the outfield was splitted into 3 different types of training. Armour Attack, Infantry Attack and Delay Defence. we were suppose to play out these roles and to assult the other platoons or defend against them. sleep was scarce. as we had to be alert at all times. the last day my platoon did delay defence and we set off for our defence position at midnite. arriving there we had to set up shellscapes and that involved a lot of digging before we could rest abit. but then, even rest was a bother coz of all those buzzing mosquitoes that doesnt seem to be afraid of anything, eg. repellent.

that week itself was also rather slack as we returned back on wednesday night and had the whole of thursday to myself with nothing on. friday was suppose to be an off for us as our PC had given us off. and due to our fuck up CSM, we had our off voided and had to return back to camp. after that then he tell us that we had to go down for ATP despite the fact that we had been asking for the whole week and wat we were told was that we dun need to go down.

i think that it is really stupid of our CSM to do so. i mean, sometimes he really do things without thinking. if he had want us to stay and go for the ATP, i would galdly do so as long as he had jus say it in advance and not when our offs were approved and we were half way on our way home then tell us that we have to go. it's really fuck up la. i think he cant stand the fact that we are free. always doing some sort of stunt on us wan. like that time during trade's course, keep playin with our book out timing. it's like not that first time. really screw him la. then in the end it made all of us super dulan and sians. i think that care for soldiers is really not on his list of core values.

i really wish that we could change our CSM. and to think that i was even tryin to convince the others tat he was not as bad as he is. looks like i am wrong. take back wat i say. and also our PC seems so afraid of CSM. i mean, they are our PCs after all, i feel that they should at least try to stand up for us like how our PS would and not jus agree with whatever he say even though they know that it is not right or it seems wierd. maybe that's y we jus respect them for their rank and not them as a person. think the only one that seems like a PC is PC7.

also, which crazy motherfucker have to take off on saturday? store party covered, ammo party covered, sentry covered. so SAW gunners go down for wat fuck? really stupid lo. i had to take off on a SATURDAY? that's really stupid lo. wasting my offs. that time when SAW gunners had our ATP, i dun see them helpin us at all. rather we were doing everything ourselves, including the stores. this time round, i dun get it why we have to go down. company intergrity? my foot. i think it is otherwise. they jus dun wan us to have a long weekend. things have really changed for the worst with the change of OC coz it was already bad since CSM is around.

i was super pissed yesterday. think i stop at here. some things are better left unsaid. going to alvin's party later. haha. that asshole is finally 21. going to pull stunt on him hopefully.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
CHERYL, CHERYL, SHERYL, PECK YENG, RENE, ALVIN, CHANG PENG

actually last week was a rather slack week in camp. did nothing much except to play my psp, eat, slp and do some saikang. that was all i did for the whole week. ok la. low tempo, so i am not complaining. wait till next week, then i would start bitching again coz we are outfield and of all places we are going too, we are going to sungei gedong. seriously, i really hate that place man.

ok. i had friday off so i spend some quality time with alvin and mervin. let me recall wat we did tat day. ha. went to play at the lan shop that wei liang brought us there that day, then after that alvin had to send his cousin home, so i went shopping with mervin in town for both alvin's and huisia's present. after that jus headed home to rest coz i am feeling shagged out.

yeah, anyway i went for huisia's birthday party today held at her house. saw this particular someone there that i am not quite sure if i wanna see. i jus dont know to feel excited or to feel scared or it is jus frm embarrassment. but all i knw is that we dun seem like we are even friends anymore. yeah, i guess i did indeed do her wrong in the past. well, there is no one to blame for except myself. and i am jus like regretting and living with my mistake. and it is only right that i be ignored.....totally.

i jus cant bring myself to face her and say jus a simple hi. i jus feel small ard her. it is like a stare frm her cld jus tear through the fabric of my soul. my heart was in my mouth when i walked down the steps and she was the first thing that i saw. with heart pounding, i was really at a lost for words. i didnt knw wat to say. i didnt knw wat to react. then as i looked at her, she looked away. i can really hear the shattering of my heart. i selfishly admit that it was not the response that i hope to have, but it was the response that was kinda expected. after all, i think i was really a bastard to her towards the end of our friendship. i was jus being too selfish, too immature then.

what i did then resulted in the consequences that i am experiencing today. yeah. it's really karma. what comes ard goes ard. it was only much later that i realise the gravity of my actions. it's too late to regret. i knw that things can never be the same again. i think i lost more than a friend. i totally lost her as a buddy, a friend, a confidante. nowadays i jus feel kinda empty. it jus seems that no one can really take up the place left vacant in my heart.

if there was 1 thing in this world that i would give up everything for. it would be to have her back as a friend again. i dont mind losing friends jus to gain her back. but such words are jus words if no action is being partaken. but i guess it is jus a one way thing. she seem to have a much better life now with much better company. yeah and i think all that i've become is jus a memory or maybe even a forgetten memory in her chapters of her life.

it jus hurt me inside and there is not a time that i do not think abt it though i jus try to shrug it off. i miss the fun times that we had together. and i would be lyin if i dont say that it was the most fun times of my entire life. maybe the reason that i wanna sign on is also because of her. but ya, life have to move on. i wanna try to forget and move on like i guess which she did. i jus wanna forget despite my heart sayin no......but she is jus unforgetable. i should just stop deceiving myself that things would change for the better.

but at least when i saw her today, she looked well. and i guess tat is more than enuf for me. knwing that she is well. this despite the fact that we are not friends anymore. i guess i still do care. it jus kinda depressing, everytime i think abt it. guess no one can really understand hw i really feel.

we didnt stayed long for the party. leaving after a short while.

took off on wednesday evening to go for changkat changi's gals AOC parade. well, simple but a rather meaningful parade for the pioneer batch of gals that have finally taken over aft an eventful 3 yrs. well, saw a lot of old faces there and it does bring back memories. and ya, going there and being remembered and recongnise for ur efforts really make the trip a meaningful one. :)) that cld also be the last time all 3 of us, alvin, wei liang and myself were gathered together in the same place again coz NS calls all of us to serve her. wei liang was enlisted the followin day. think that wld be 1 of the last outings to changkat.

yeah. and i was back in camp again for that night then the next day was spent doing saikang aka packing for wallaby. ya. leaving for wallaby in a month's time. sianzation man. then it was book out day for me in the night as i clear my offs.

friday! alvin's birthday. haha. went out to celebrate with him and merv. jus a small celebration with the big one coming up in 2 weeks. hope i can make it man and that i dun need to go for the live firing. maybe i would jus take off for it.

saturday. went back to camp for falcon's POP. stupid lo. go back for 2 hrs then book out. after that went to makan with reagan and ting'er at cafe cartel before proceeding down to bugis to catch " i prounce u chuck and larry" fcuking hilarious and meaningful movie man. then i headed home. suppose to meet teranx and sk for dinner at serangoon gardens but i jus ended up slpin thru the night waking up this morning onli.

and yeah, it's book in day again today. heng next week is a short week man. coz SAW gunners dun need to do much. but i think they wld sure find some saikang for us to do wan. sianssss. haha. friday off in lieu, so ya. going to start planning something.

thinking of whether to go to her birhday party on sat. jus wondering.